This is a handy guide to help you distinguish between messianic Jews and zombies.

Well as far as zombie worship goes anyway.

…the first zombie arose from the dead. Now millions of idiots worship and do despicable things in his name.

At least we got some great horror movies out of it?

HAPPY ZOMBIE JESUS DAY!!!

He doesn’t want your brains, he wants your soul!

Greetings my disciples!  It is I Lord of Lords, God of rationality.  I have come upon thee from behind today to impart my wisdom.  This week we shalt discuss the Rapture.  That’s right!  Apparently my wayward son Zombie Jesus is coming back.

Matthew 24:36-41 “[36] But of that day and hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only. [37] But as the days of Noah were, so shall also the coming of the Son of man be. [38] For as in the days that were before the flood they were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, until the day that Noah entered into the ark, [39] And knew not until the flood came, and took them all away; so shall also the coming of the Son of man be. [40] Then shall two be in the field; the one shall be taken, and the other left. [41] Two women shall be grinding at the mill; the one shall be taken, and the other left.”

This gospel was written after Jesus was made into the shape of a “t”.  There is much speculation as to why he met his end in this way.  Christians believe that he was crucified to bring forgiveness for all of man’s sins.  What a heavy burden to bear!  Others believe that this was great marketing strategy by the Roman Catholic Church.  This image made possible the sale of many necklaces, figurines, and posters.  Christian book stores popped up all over the Holy Land to peddle the image of the zombie savior super-glued to a cross.  What many Christians don’t understand is that Jesus was not nailed to “the” cross, he was nailed to “a” cross.  He certainly wasn’t the first or last man to be crucified.

The second coming of Jesus spoken about by Matthew is the subject of much debate.  Some believe that el Jesus shalt collect up his loyal followers and then his brass band shalt play sounding the Armageddon.  Others believe that the rapture shalt occur later, after the Revelation has been fulfilled.  This is just one issue which divides up the Christians into many sects, each with their own beliefs.  Christianity is all about love, but if you disagree with another christian, even slightly, you apparently just start your own church.

One way or another, Jesus is coming back.  It does beg the question:  Will he still have the holes in his hands?  The Rapture provides hope to people.  This hope is just and fair, however unlikely.  Jesus comes back, stuffs the BP executives in the hole they created, cleans up all the oil, finds Osama Bin Laden and sends him to the pit of fire.  He beats up the kid that picked on you in school, closes all the fast food restaurants.  He rounds up all of the Atheists and makes them live in North Dakota for all eternity.  He ends all disease.  No more AIDS, no more pink eye.  Sounds pretty awesome.

What about the rest of you that don’t believe in a book written by primitives?  Actually, it sounds pretty awesome for you too.  You’ll remain on Earth.  The only difference is that all of the “good Christians” will be gone.  Yes.  YES!  No more judgmental tirades on your moral values.  Never again do you have to listen to the condemnation of your premarital sex.  No more Saturday knocks on the door.  If Jesus takes all the hypocritical bastards with him, I’m sure thou won’t complain.

So come Jesus.  On your cloud.  Blow your horn.  I’m sure the rational people of Earth will find a new letter for thee to wear.  I suggest “R”.