With the magical holiday approaching, I thought I would give some historical background to the most popular Christmas traditions.
The Christmas Tree:
Christians put pine trees in their houses because that was the type of wood on which Jesus was nailed. The Romans were not frivolous, and chose to use the wood that they could get at the best price. Conifers were very common in Israel during Biblical times. The choice of pine trees by Christians is in homage to their savior and his death. The early Christians also decorated the tree with artificial aerosol snow, plastic garland, and electric lights which they received in trade from China for figs and myrrh. They placed their “Black Friday” gifts underneath the tree.
The advent of Black Friday was in Israel in Biblical times. The early Christians would send the darker skinned of the gentiles out to buy their gifts. Acknowledging the Jewish roots of early Christians, the ebony “helpers” were instructed to seek deep discounts from retail. This is how it became known as “Black Friday”.
The reason that Christians hang mistletoe in their houses during the holiday season is in homage to Judas Iscariot. When Judas betrayed the Son of Man, Jesus happened to be standing under some mistletoe. He delivered the kiss that changed history. If Judas had not betrayed the lord Jesus, the Son of Man would have lived to old age as a carpenter moonlighting as a charlatan, collecting his pension and filling his prescription for horny goat weed so that he could still occasionally give it to his wife, Mary Magdalene. This would not have made for a very interesting religion. Thus, Christians pay homage to their hero, Judas Iscariot and his famous kiss.
Christmas and Candy:
The main reason that Christians share candy during the holiday season is the little known fact that Jesus had a sweet tooth. In fact, Jesus was morbidly obese when he died. The story about Jesus cursing the fig tree stems from his massive appetite. He frequently was stricken by tantrums if his daily 12,000 calorie intake was not met. While it is generally accepted that Jesus was nailed to wood, historians have speculated that the cross must have been approximately 4 feet in diameter to support his holy corpse. In addition to dozens of pounds of figs, fish, and bread, he also consumed many pounds of chocolate and candy canes daily. While modern pictures depict Jesus as being fit, this is simply a result of the Vogue culture of modern Christians. It is not only considered a miracle that Jesus managed to leave the tomb, but also a miracle that they got him into it in the first place. In honor of Jesus’ massive appetite, modern Christians give gifts of candy, the Son of Man’s favorite food.