In the beginning, there was Tha Lord. He saw that it was good. He noticed that he had killer biceps, a sweet tan, and a goddamned lightning bolt. But then Tha Lord grew weary of marveling at himself in the dark. He sayeth unto himself : “Let there be light!” and it was so. And in a moment he separated the light from the darkness. And even though he knew that his electric bill would be ridiculous, he saw that it was good. And the evening and the morning were the first day.
After Tha Lord got his ass out of bed around Noon, he decided he needed to spruce the place up a bit. So he said: “Let the firmament be separate from the waters and whatnot so that I have a place to keep all of my stuff” and it was so. And day and night were the second day.
The next morning Tha Lord decided that he should separate the Heavens from everything else because he liked his privacy. So he said unto himself: “Let the waters under Heaven be gathered together, and I suppose I’d better make some land so everything doesn’t get all wet” and it was so. And Tha Lord noticed how damned barren his creation was so he decreed: “Let there be seed bearing plants and fruits and maybe some corn and avocados. I love guacamole!” and it was so. And Tha Lord marveled at his sweet garden and landscaping. And the evening and the morning were the third day.
And Tha Lord woke up again and noticed that day was pretty sweet, but night was pretty damned boring. So he said: “Let there be lights in heaven that I may gaze upon whilst enjoying cocktails on my patio!” and it was so. And Tha Lord also decided that he had better cast some of that light onto the Earth or his excellent garden would be completely ruined. And he said “Make it so!” and it was so. And Tha Lord sat on his patio and drank beers of excellent quality and gazed upon the stars he had created. Evening and morning were the fourth day.
Tha Lord woke up with a massive headache on his lawn chair. He was hungry, and there wasn’t a damn thing to eat but vegetables. And verily, he was pissed. And Tha Lord createth great whales and fowls of the air so that he could maketh unto himself some fried chicken or a tuna fish sandwich, and he saw that it was tasty. More cocktails, more stargazing, and the evening and the morning were the fifth day.
Tha Lord woke the next day and decided he was tired of fish sandwiches and buffalo wings. He sayeth unto himself: “Let us get some meat up in this bitch!”. He created every living creature in it’s kind, and some livestock, and a bunch of other delicious creatures. And he saw that they were tasty indeed.
And Tha Lord had always wanted children, but since he was the only God he didn’t have anyone to share with his heavenly phallus. Instead he said: “Let us create man in our own image, and let them have dominion over all of the animals and plants!” So Tha Lord created man in his own image, in the image of Tha Lord he created he him, male and female created he them. Except the female wasn’t created in his image exactly, but slightly different that man may have a garage for his phallus.
And Tha Lord sayeth unto them: “BEHOLD!!!!1 I have given you all the plants and animals to eat. And they are delicious! Go forth and multiply that thy children may eventually commit incest and populate the world!”
And Tha Lord saw everything that he had made, and saw that it was pretty decent for amateur work. And evening and cocktails and morning were the sixth day.
And on the seventh day he did nothing but drink on the patio and marvel at his new terrarium.
AMEN
